Lessons Learned the Hard Way, Episode 2 (Volume 4)

The girls are with their dad this morning, which gives me a rare Monday morning to myself. So far, I’ve accomplished  a workout, breakfast, a couple of loads of laundry, a shower, and, obviously, sitting down to blog. At first I had no idea what to write about, just that I had time and should take advantage of it before two adorable distractions with half my DNA make that difficult if not impossible.

At first, I had a really hard time with the girls being away for long periods of time. Spending the night at their dad’s house was difficult for me. Not because I didn’t trust him or didn’t think that they would be ok there. I suppose it was a collection of reasons. As a working mother, I cherish any time I get with my kids (and feel a smidge guilty about any time I have the opportunity to be with them and for some reason don’t take it, even if that reason is entirely justifiable). As a homeschooling part-time-at-home mother, I feel that every second with my kids is a chance to invest in them and sometimes that makes doing anything else with that time seem like a waste.

Obviously, once I type those reasons and look at them, they seem kind of insane. But this is about honesty. And those are things that go through my heart and head when I think about my children. While we were married, I was able to live in that mom-responsibility haze without too much interference. When I was not at work, I did not often leave the house without the girls or have a lot of “me time” to feel guilty about. Now that we have two separate households, they are of necessity at the other one occasionally and this does force me to wrestle with who and what I am when I’m not “hey, mom!”

I have always had my own hobbies and interests and have long advocated that moms do something to maintain their own sense of identity is crucial to their parenting and, if applicable, their marriage. So the concept is not anything new to me. But, if I’m being totally honest, aspects of the practice are. The first time they were away at his house overnight, I struggled. I struggled to sleep. To find things to fill my time. Worried if they were ok. With practice, it’s gotten easier. Now I build a list of things that I can get done on those days (which helps me avoid doing those things while they are with me, and results in time for more games and stories and tickles with them when they are here). And every time I pick them up or they are dropped off after an outing with daddy, it’s just a little bit more exciting when we see each other again.

Things getting a divorce has taught me, number 4: sometimes absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. And sometimes it can even be fun. 🙂

Lessons Learned the Hard Way, Volume 2 (Episode 3)

I suppose you could call me an idealist.

Not in the sense that I travel with rosy-colored glasses through life, blithely assuming that all is a perfect dream (giving people (or situations) the benefit of the doubt isn’t something I default toward). I do, however, have a lot of ideas about how the parts of my existence that I have some level of influence over should function and I really appreciate it when life lines up with the expectations in my head.

As may be assumed, this is not always (perhaps even generally not) the case.

*When our home school day doesn’t live up to the “perfect school day” I keep tucked away in my head for reference (which is almost every day, mostly because the perfect school day revolves around the idea of me being at home in the morning instead of at work).
*When my kids get sick one after the other and throw an entire week (school, work, church, etc) off schedule.
*When my marriage ends and I find myself, as a thirty year old single mom, moving back into my parents’ house.

I tend to harbor expectations of how a situation should ideally play out. And I can roll with the punches to a certain degree. I can easily overlook getting 2 loads of laundry done instead of 3 or finding out that the coffee shop doesn’t have the flavor I planned on ordering. But when that ideal outcome goes completely and terribly awry in a big and significant way, it can be really hard for me to deal with. Because I feel like I’ve failed to accomplish something important. And that this, in some way, speaks to my overall success as a person, mother, friend, or (until lately) wife.

I’m working on it. Learning to navigate the unexpected with grace and elegance is pretty much my entire to-do list at the moment.

Things getting a divorce has helped teach me #3: things don’t always go as planned. And that’s ok. Sometimes it’s even better than ok.

Resolved:

So it’s the new year.

This year, more than any before it, I have felt the motivation and freedom and encouragement that comes with starting over. I sense a deep responsibility to and opportunity for the recreation of my life and myself that I haven’t in the past. Pretty obviously, this is tied to the fact that I AM, in fact, starting over in many ways. As a divorcee. As a single mom.

As a person who finally keeps track of her finances.

Turns out when you’re the only one in the family making purchases, it gets noticeably easier to keep track of what money is being spent. More to the point, you no longer have the “well he never keeps track of them or gives me the receipts” excuse(/problem). So this is one of the first resolutions on my list: to, finally, as a 30 year old single woman and mother, keep track of my finances in a real and consistent way. Naturally this includes several sub-goals, including keeping track of purchases, putting a certain amount in savings each paycheck, and *hopefully* getting my student loans paid off this year.

Another goal I have is to get paid to write and/or edit this year. As part of that, I’m going to try and be more consistent with making writing a priority. It’s usually that thing I would really like to get time for but which typically ends up on the back burner (or possibly off the stove altogether) because other things always seem so much more pressing. But this year I am committing to putting some real effort toward making a daily commitment to writing something and to seeking out ways in which this can be a means of providing for my little family.

I’ve also decided to spend some time crocheting for charity. Interestingly, I had picked out a list of charities around the country who accept crochet donations sometime around the end of last year in preparation for this goal and then found out, shortly after the beginning of this year, that my church’s women’s ministry would like to work together to crochet enough hats and scarves for some local area needs (women’s shelters, etc). The list of nationwide charities I had prepared may have to wait for next year, but the chance to work with a group of ladies I know and love to help fulfill needs in our own area is an opportunity I’m thankful for and one not to be passed up.

Not all of my resolutions are big or life changing. A few are just to continue in current established healthy habits. Because losing the work I’ve already done in pursuit of new habits isn’t success at all.

So far, I’m proud to say I’ve made a few very real and concrete steps toward each of these goals.

I realize this year will bring struggles of its own. My divorce will likely be finalized this year. I will continue to struggle with the realities of co-parenting and co-educating our two beautiful daughters. The anxiety flare up following my miscarriage a year ago is still something I have to work at and manage (though it has gotten better and easier in many ways). The difficult and overwhelming task of completely overhauling my current work status still looms before me. The beautiful freedom of starting over may sometimes just feel scary and empty. But I’ve got a lot to work toward. And that’s something.